 That fairy tale wedding can sometimes set couples up for
“after-the-wedding” blues.
That fairy tale wedding can sometimes set couples up for
“after-the-wedding” blues. For many, something happens after the cake, dancing
and honeymoon -- reality hits.
The daily grind of living together finds some new brides and
grooms disillusioned and depressed. Finding his dirty socks in every room
begins to gnaw incessantly at her. Her
obsession with buying shoes all the time goes against his penny-pinching
lifestyle.
Readjusting to one another’s habits, characteristics and idiosyncrasies
becomes part of the newlywed period. Small things turn into big fights. The
dirty dishes and piles of laundry become nagging reminders that married life
isn’t perfect.
Meet three young couples reveal their ups and downs of the
first year of married life. Their weddings went off without any big problems.
But after the garters and bouquets are thrown, the work begins to resolve
personality conflicts, money hassles and housework squabbles. Their first year
of matrimony has become a time of learning about patience, respect and
readjusting expectations. They all agree that being married is worth it all
because they are happier to be with the one they love than without them.
Balancing time gets hard
For Jessica and John Powers of St. Louis, scheduling time
together and with one another’s friends has proven the hardest hurdle. She
works part-time and attends law school. He works as a software engineer.
“Scheduling is a tough part of living together. You have to
get used to scheduling time to be just the two of you, and then having time for
yourself and your own friends,” Jessica says.
Both of them agree that the first year has been very
eye-opening but fun. John advises anyone thinking of getting married to split
the house chores, cook dinner for each other, bring flowers home at least once
a month, hang out with your friends and let her hang out with hers, and do
active and fun things with one another.
“You will fight a lot over annoyances and stubbornness,” he
says. “Her moods were a big challenge
for me. I’d ask myself why she was angry and what did I do to make her upset. I
had guilt for making her mad. But I’m getting a lot better at analyzing her and
realizing the correct approaches to her moods.”
Jessica admits that his little annoying traits have become
“definitely interesting” including his refusal to eat leftovers or how he
leaves pocket change all over the house.
“I think there is a lot of pressure on the first year of
marriage – that it is supposed to be all flowers and romance and easy. The
first moment that changes, it’s easy to wonder if you are doing something
wrong.”
A puppy challenge
Nina and Chris McIntyre dated six years before they got
married. They lived together, separately and in different countries during
their long courtship. The year she studied law in London became tough emotionally.
They had to be apart for long periods of time even though Chris came to visit
every month or so.
Right before their wedding – which took place in
Philadelphia in Sept. 2006 -- they moved into a new apartment in New York
City.
“The hardest part has been making time to be together. Both
Chris and I work very long hours and have many obligations outside of work. We
have to work hard to save time to be together and just relax,” says Nina, now
an attorney in the Big Apple.
She suggests to other newlyweds to carve out time for date
nights even after marriage.
“Being married is totally fun. But at the end of the day, it
is not that different than how we were when we were dating, except we can now
really focus on our future together, which is exciting,” she says.
Chris, a management consultant, would simply tell young
couples – “Don’t get a dog. Having a small puppy a few months after getting
married was a bit stressful. We would recommend waiting a little bit on making
additional big life changes until you have settled a bit into married life.”
He adds that putting your finances together makes life
easier instead of having separate checking accounts.
Don’t go to bed mad
The age-old adage that couples shouldn’t go to bed mad helps
Jenna and Nick Lage of Iowa to work through their fights.
“You have to be open and honest with each other,” she says.
“You are going to have tough times, but it will be OK. I’ve heard that the first
year of marriage can be the most difficult. Believe me, sometimes I honestly
believe that is true. But marriage is definitely worth it.”
Even though the young pair dated for five years before
getting married and lived together for 1 ½ years, they still find it
challenging to get used to a few of each other’s personality traits.
The hardest part they find has been money issues. They
bought a house two weeks before the wedding. Each of them has different
spending philosophies. Jenna, who has a degree in finance and works as an
accounting assistant in a credit union, sees things much differently than her
husband when it comes to buying items and saving.
Nick, a hazardous material responder at UPS, enjoys buying
electronics, expensive gifts for his wife and grown-up toys such as a Harley
motorcycle.
Despite any differences, Jenna and Nick enjoy their time
together walking their new dog, decorating their home and going out with
friends.
“It’s just great to know I have a wonderful husband that
loves me unconditionally, and we look forward to spending the rest of our lives
together.”
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