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Written by Mark
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Tuesday, 29 September 2009 16:15 |
Intrusive, pushy, interfering, and opinionated are all words you may hear others use to describe their in-laws. Yes most of us have seen the hit movie “Meet the Parents” and although someone made a comedy from this topic there is no denying for many this is not a laughing matter.
You may be thinking I really like my in-laws and if so great, but I guarantee you will see new sides to them while planning your big day. This is especially true if they are picking up the tab. Unfortunately, this very generous contribution gives them a sense of entitlement when it comes to letting their opinions be heard.
First thing to help you through the wedding planning process is to agree on the type of wedding you want with your fiancé and set a budget. Ask yourselves what is most important having a DJ vs. a band, an open bar vs. sit down dinner, you get the point. Once you determine these things sit down and share your list with your in-laws. Remember it is your day so you hold the trump card. However, you are marrying their daughter so this is an exciting time for them and they want to be involved. Be tactful and respectful in the way you decline any suggestions and try to find things for them to do so they feel involved. Bottom line, pick your battles, if your future mother-in-law is hell bent on having pink roses as centerpieces, it may not be your first choice, but if you can live with it, leave it be.
Once you make it through “I do” you will be dancing to “We Are Family” at your reception. However, once you return back from the honeymoon you will realize a new set of issues to face when it comes to your new extended family. If so, keep the following things in mind.
Stay flexible. Getting along with your wife’s parents is important so it may mean being flexible and at times staying levelheaded. Compromises will need to be made, but you want to make sure you and your wife agree on matters ahead of time such as finances, how to spend holidays, and any other life events, such as children. Remember, you're in this together.
Keep the lines of communication open. Be sure your in-laws are well aware of you and your wife’s mutual decisions and beliefs. You're not obligated to do something because your in-laws want you to, but try to at least acknowledge their input. If you really can't say anything nice, just shut up and smile.
Set boundaries. Discuss with your wife how much time is expected to spend with your in-laws. There should be boundaries set with her parents as well as with yours when it comes to unexpected visits, phone calls, family get-togethers, etc.
Don’t have false expectations. Clear your mind of the stereotypes. Not every father-in-law wants to fix all the appliances in your house and not every mother-in-law dreams of afternoons knitting with her grandchildren. Also don’t feel pressure to remake yourself into something they envisioned for their daughter. Your wife loves YOU not the person her parent’s want you to be.
Bottom-line your wife and your family are the ones that need to love you; your in-laws don't. Accept the fact that your in-laws will never be like your parents and they will say or do things you may find flat out strange. Remember to try to think "different" not for "better" or "worse”. Finally, the best piece of advice for the long haul: Keep your sense of humor!
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